What Did You Expect?

I was fuming.  I didn't say anything but I felt it and I'm sure my actions betrayed it.  I marched out of the house just short of "storming" and put a little too much effort into making sure my driver's side car door was shut tight.

I knew I was wrong. I knew my actions were selfish and unproductive.  I knew that anger was unhealthy and that I had enzyme levels rising that would increase my risk of coronary disease and lower my resistance to infection.  I knew this because I had spent several weeks studying anger.  I wanted to see what the Bible said about anger and then look at what modern medicine and psychology experts said about anger.  They pretty much agree, it's not good for you.  It's not good for your body, mind, or soul.  It's not good for those in the path of the usual outbursts that arise out of the anger.  And it is most certainly not good for any relationships that are tangled up in the mess.

After all of my studying I had come to a couple of conclusion.  First, there is a good side to anger, but only if it leads to a positive action.  I can become angry at seeing someone kick a dog.  But that anger needs to lead to me taking a positive action (preferably rescuing the dog and then preventing a recurrence).  We like to call this "righteous indignation".  My second conclusion was that most anger is not a product of righteous indignation but is rooted in some sort of selfishness, pride, stubbornness, or hard-heartedness.  While, none of those are good things, taking a good hard look at the anger and pinpointing the source of it can help identify the heart of the issue and can lead to internal change.  That can mean good changes that help prevent the anger, or the level of anger, in the future.

Therefore, my overall conclusion was that the only way anger is good is if it a catalyst to some kind of change, outer or inner.

I immediately (well, immediately after I was sure the car door was shut good and tight) started to assess my situation.  What was the root of my anger?  As I reviewed the facts I couldn't help but melt in sheepishness.

Two things had happened.  1) We were invited out to dinner, and 2)  I was driving a separate vehicle.

There it was, the big, bad situation that left me having a mini-temper-tantrum.

Of course, there were extenuating circumstances.  There always are, and they're usually the buttons that get pushed to cause the inner temperature to rise.  The dinner invitation was a general invitation from our pastor to the families in the church.  I was resistant because I had gone a total of 37 days either being away from home, out of the house, or hosting family over the holidays.  I was looking forward to my first quiet night at home in over a month, and then we were cordially invited for the gathering.

I told my husband that I just wanted to stay home.  He was completely sympathetic and encouraged me to feel free to stay put.  Without laying on any guilt trip he added, "But I'm going to go.  I know they're looking forward to having everyone over and I don't want to disappoint them."  His attitude toward our hosts was so gracious and his attitude toward me was so understanding that I I hugged him and said, "I really just want to be with you, so I'll go too."  I was happy as I prepared to head out the door.

Then he dropped my bombshell.  As I put on my coat he said, "Go ahead and take the car.  I'll drive separately."  I asked why and he said, "Because after dinner Owen and I are going to my dad's to watch the game."  Bam, happy to mad in fifteen words.

That was the back drop, the "extenuating circumstances".  As I drove down the road, I sifted all of that out and looked at the bare facts of the matter.  I had an invitation out to dinner and I had the luxury of driving a separate vehicle so I could go if and when I needed to go.  How many times in the past 30+ years have I seriously yearned for one or both of those scenarios?!  Now I had them together and I was ANGRY?  What was wrong with me?

I knew what was wrong.  My expectations were not met.  I expected to spend the evening at home.  Then, I expected to spend the evening with my husband.  A wrench was thrown into my expectations because things weren't going the way I anticipated, even though the things that were happening were good things.  They were GOOD THINGS!

I really thought I learned that lesson when I had Gabe, an unexpected blessing with Down syndrome.  I saw people sidelined with grief over their own unexpected diagnoses of special need children and others filled with joy as they chose to adopt and raise a child with the exact same diagnosis.  I knew that the difference in their attitudes was the expectation.

I got it on the "big life lesson" level, but here I was failing on the "mundane life lesson" level.  It was a great reminder that I need to be more aware of, and open to, altered expectations at any level.  Because, even good things can turn my attitude south when it doesn't meet up with what I expect.

To Whom Shall We Go?

John 6:66-69 "After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him.  So Jesus said to the Twelve, "Do you want to go away as well?"  Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go?  You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know that you are the Holy One of God."

I was struck hard by this passage yesterday during the message at our church's morning worship service.  I struggled to listen to the following text and applications because I kept going back to Peter's answer.  I thought it for myself, "Where else would I go?  I know You, Jesus.  I know that you are true and real and the Holy One of God.  I don't always understand how all that works or applies to everyone in the world or to every person's unique situation but I have heard your 'words of eternal life and have believed and have come to know that you are the Holy One of God'."

I snapped out of my own mental considerations, tabled my thoughts, and picked them up again later in the day.  I thought about how I really knew, and have confidence, that I believe those words.  And I thought about trials.  I thought about some really rough life situations that have made me want to hide from life and roll into a ball.  I thought about the heaving sobs that have wracked my body during bouts of severe emotional pain.  I thought about the utter despair and uselessness I've felt.  And I thought about the small trials that have simply made me frustrated or annoyed or aggravated.  Those trials are largely the means by which my own heart has been convinced that I truly believe.

Why did many of the disciples turn back and no longer walk with him?  I don't know.  I don't really know why anyone does what they do. How can any of us be sure that we won't turn away?  How can we know that we really believe that Jesus has the words of eternal life and we KNOW that he is the Holy One of God?

I'm sure there are many very spiritual and complicated ways to answer that question; but, this morning I experienced a very small thing that gave me another drop of encouragement that my heart believes what my lips profess.  I had a dream, not a prophetic or profound dream, just an ordinary run-of-the-mill kind of dream that certainly won't go down in history.  I dreamed that our house was on fire.  We've had some trouble with a wood stove so the dream was certainly a byproduct of that real life situation.  I dreamed that we had a chimney fire that had spread to the area of the house with our bedroom and the bedrooms of two of our children.  I was startled awake (as is typical during a nightmarish type dream) and I could smell smoke.  In my half awake half asleep state, as I jumped out of bed to start evacuating children, two thoughts ran very quickly through my mind.  The first was very practical, "Why aren't the smoke alarms sounding?"  The second was, for me, very spiritual, "Here goes our house, but thank you Lord for the wonderful few months I got to live in it."

It turns out it really was just a dream.  I only smelled the wood smoke that lingered on my husband from work he'd done on the stove.  Our house was not in jeopardy.  But that one thought during that brief moment when I believed it was, helped settle my soul as I saw my own heart prove to me that my "treasure" was not in my home.  I've had some much greater trials than that one bad dream, trials that have helped me know that my treasure was not in my comfortable western lifestyle, or in my husband, or in my children, or my health.  Trials, big and small, can see us walking away from Jesus.  They can also draw us to Him as we cling to the words of eternal life, knowing that He is Holy One of God.