You grew up hearing the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". If you didn't hear those exact words you heard something similar like, "treat people the way you want to be treated", or maybe even, "how would you like it if someone did that to you?" It all came back to the same principle. If you would like it, do it. If you wouldn't like it, don't do it.
Married, for several decades now, I believe I can confidently say that the golden rule doesn't apply in marriage. Or maybe I should say that the golden rule, lived out in an exact "do unto others" manner might, and often can, actually end in some frustration.
Why?
Because marriage isn't like regular relationships, and it shouldn't be. Regular relationships have a certain amount of civility and decorum and etiquette that is required to keep each party feeling respected by the other. The manners that we display emphasize another oft-quoted phrase, "It's the thought that counts". We can tell when someone is being polite and considerate, and the good intentions behind that behavior (maybe even more than the actual behavior) helps to maintain a pleasant relationship.
But, in marriage, we don't simply want civility, good manners, and a pleasant relationship. We want to live united and bound together in oneness and intimacy. We may have initially come together through some of the "do unto others" means along with politeness and good intentions, but that isn't how we want to live out our years together.
What happens over time is that we get to know each other, to REALLY know each other, to the point that merely being polite and considerate doesn't meet our needs in a marriage. It doesn't mean we throw out those things, but we have to go beyond them. And we get to the place of going beyond them by knowing each other and acting on what we learn.
So, what happens when we really get to know each other? We find out that our spouse might not want things the way we want them. If we do unto each other as we want done to us we may not (and probably will not) be doing the best thing for one another. If I were making cookies for my husband and I decided to make for him what I would want someone to make for me he would get a plate of Scottish Shortbread and he wouldn't eat a bite of it. I love it, he doesn't. It took him a long time to stop offering me a Dr. Pepper. Knowing what a treat it was for him he had trouble refraining from sharing that goodness (or in my estimation, vileness) with me.
At some point in your marriage you have to move past the point of treating each other the way you want to be treated and treating them the way THEY want to be treated. I have learned that no matter when I crawl in bed I shouldn't creep in quietly so as not to disturb my husband (as I would prefer if he crawled in after I was asleep). Instead, I wake him up with a hug and a kiss to say good night. Similarly, he follows my rules of what makes clothing "dirty" and throws what he thinks are clean clothes in the hamper even though he feels like he's causing extra work for me. He deems slightly soiled clothes to be a fair price to pay for a lighter load of laundry, I don't.
We both marvel a bit at how something that bothers one of us makes the other happy. It would actually be easier to treat each other how we want to be treated. We wouldn't have to think about how to teat one another because we already know what we like. But the marriage relationship goes deeper in even the small ways that we treat one another. To learn those things about one another takes time and effort, and it takes even more time and effort to remember and act on them. (If you don't know what those things might be, try asking.)
In the end, the golden rule for marriage really should be, "Do unto others as they would have done unto them," or "treat your spouse the way they want to be treated."
