The Mother's Love Poem

I shared this poem with the women at the retreat I attended earlier this month. I am sharing it here in conjunction with last week's post, but also as a reminder to all of us on how to love one another.

This rewritten and completely paraphrased version of 1 Corinthian 13 is not meant to replace Scripture. Rather:
It was meant to focus on the things that we mothers tend to get wrapped up in.
It was meant to remind us of the importance of relationships .
It was meant to help us put things in perspective as we care for our homes and families and one another.
It was meant to keep us from hurting one another as we establish our families and habits.
It was meant to help us love one another.

The Mother's Love Poem

"If I raise my children
To always obey,
But have not love,
I am a noisy gong
Or a clanging cymbal.

And if I have great
Cooking skills,
And make all
My meals from scratch,
And can my garden produce
So as to deliver
Homemade goods as gifts
But have not love,
I am nothing

If I keep a spotless house
And bathe my children daily
But have not love,
I gain nothing.

'Love is patient and kind,
Love does not envy or boast,
It is not arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on its own way;
It is not irritable or resentful;"

It does not rejoice at
Tearing down others
But at singing their praises.
Love tolerates others,
Speaks well of others,
Encourages others,
And serves others.

Love never ends.

As for fresh baked bread,
It will eventually mold;
As for dressing in style,
Styles will pass away;
As for a cute haircut,
It will grow out;
As for painted nails,
They will chip.

For we give of ourselves
In part,
And we raise up others
In part,
But when the perfect comes,
We will do things in full.

When I was a gossip, I spoke like a gossip, I thought ill of others, I admired myself.
When I became a child of God I gave up my selfish ways.
For now we spend too much time looking in mirrors,
But then we will look into the faces of others.
Now I speak my mind, then I shall hold my tongue
And speak as I wish to be spoken of.

So now husbands, children, and sisters abide,

But the Greatest of All is Christ.

Family Relationships--How to not be on the outs with your in-laws (or A Charge to Honor)

I recently had the opportunity to conduct a workshop with this title at a women's retreat at Lake Ellen Camp in Michigan's Upper Peninsula. Judy Peterson (wife of camp director Ralph Peterson) asked me to speak on this topic after I had shared with her some of the dynamics of the relationships in my life with 5 (now 6) married children and the weekend getaways I've had with my "lovely ladies" (my daughters and daughters-in-law). A number of women asked if I would share my notes and I offered to post them here. So, women of the Lake Ellen Camp Women's Retreat 2015, this is for you!

FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

When it comes to family relationships, and especially the relationships between the women in our families, we want it to look like this.

We want harmony and symmetry. We want happiness and cooperation. We want to not only look like we get along, but really feel like it.

Far too often, we look and feel like this.

Our relationships too often publicly display dislike, distrust, and contempt. If not outwardly, then very likely inwardly those feelings are simmering along with fear, isolation, suspicion, indifference, judgment, and anger. I've seen it among families, in churches, and between women in many circles and I wanted to do what I could to prevent it from happening in me, in my church, and in my family.

Eight years ago my family looked like this.

The youngest of our eleven children was not quite a year old and our first daughter-in-law joined our family. I had been mentally preparing for this time for almost a decade. I remember, about 20 years ago, considering my own in-laws with their family of six and thinking of how they never had time alone with their children, their immediate family. We daughters-and-son-in-law were always there. We were with them on holidays and at family reunions, in their home when fans gathered to watch a basketball game, or at the park on a picnic. I began to realize that my days with my precious family as I knew it were numbered.

I have a wonderful relationship with my mother-and-father-in-law, but there's something about the family nucleus, the parent and child, that is special and I knew it would some day be forever changed. I just wanted it to be changed in a good way. Sure, I could love my new daughter-in-law and welcome her and make her feel at home. And then I could do the same for the next and the next. But what about them? Would they criticize the differences they saw in our family? Would they support our relationships or tear them down? Would our married children be encouraged to love their parents or would they be driven away from us? Would my own sons and daughters have gracious loving hearts that fostered a welcoming environment to the increasing number of newcomers to the family? Would it become "us against them"? Would there be factions and pairing off? How could I prevent it? I wanted to fix something that wasn't even broken!

It didn't take long to see the outward changes that came with the advancing of years. Just seven years after that first wedding our family looked like this.

(Side note--if you're a detail oriented person and you're seeing that the people in the two family photographs don't seem to match up, you may be relieved to know that this recent photo includes our Norwegian AFS student.)

There are six new adults and almost a dozen grandchildren children in the picture and the dynamics have most certainly changed. I can't control everything (and, believe me, I'd like to!). I can't control the attitudes. I can't make people love each other. I can't stop the hurts and the difficulties. But I can have an influence and I can foster a loving environment. I make mistakes and am sorry to admit that I have been the source of problems at times. But, using the examples and directions given to us by God in His word we can all have a positive effect on our family relationships.

One of the things I have done is to plan several "White Women's Weekends" with my girls (this isn't racist, we all either have--or in the case of my married daughters, had--the last name White). We stay in a house together (no kids or spouses). We drink coffee, do foot soaks, build fires in the fireplace, cook together, go out to eat, go for walks, take silly pictures, and I plan a study around a Biblical topic that will help foster Christlike attitudes between us. During our first weekend we all filled out one note card for each person that highlighted a fruit of the spirit that we thought was best displayed in them and why. Those cards are still in my wallet.

I have loved connecting with my ladies in this personal way, but our schedules don't all collide very often and we have a lot of months between girl gatherings for problems to seep in. Problems are part of the human experience, solutions should be part of the Christian experience. In our workshop we considered the common causes of relationship problems and ways to prevent them.

PREVENTING PROBLEMS

CAUSES..............................POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS
Expectations...........................Keep an open mind
Criticism................................Seek to understand
Not listening...........................Listen!
Pulling away...........................Reaching out
Gossiping...............................Hold your tongue
LACK OF LOVE......................Love
LACK OF HONOR..................Honor

We talked about each one with some examples but I think they are fairly self-explanatory. The last two are in capital letters because they are really the two that are the heart of who we are and how we relate to others. We had a limited amount of time for our workshop and so I chose to focus on Honor. Love is a familiar subject and most of us understand that love is an action, that we show love by our service to others. When we put the needs of someone else before our own we are showing love. Love is about how we treat another person. But, we don't often talk about what honor looks like. I think our lack of honor is our greatest stumbling block to successful relationships between women. Honor isn't so much about how we treat the other person, but has much to do with the way that we present them to others.

The most helpful Biblical passage that I have found on honor is in Esther 6 where the king asks Haman what he should do to show honor to someone.

So Haman came in, and the king said to him, “What should be done to the man whom the king delights to honor?” And Haman said to himself, “Whom would the king delight to honor more than me?” And Haman said to the king, “For the man whom the king delights to honor, let royal robes be brought, which the king has worn, and the horse that the king has ridden, and on whose head a royal crown is set. And let the robes and the horse be handed over to one of the king's most noble officials. Let them dress the man whom the king delights to honor, and let them lead him on the horse through the square of the city, proclaiming before him: ‘Thus shall it be done to the man whom the king delights to honor.’” Esther 6:6-9 ESV

We can see here what honor "looks like".

Four things were suggested:
1) Bring the royal robes.
If we're going out in public or we're having our picture taken we want to look our best. We want to put on clothing that flatters us. We want it to hide the blemishes, cover the bulges, and accentuate our positive features. In the same way, honoring someone is presenting them at their best. We are to figuratively clothe them in the most flattering attire and present them to others as we would want to be presented. Our attitude toward them and our conversation about them will highlight their good qualities and conceal their less attractive features.

2) Put him on the king's horse.
The king's horse was undoubtedly the biggest, most majestic horse in the stables. Whoever sat on that horse was lifted up higher than anyone else. We are to raise others up so that they're lifted high. Lifting someone else up does just that, it lifts them up. Somehow, we think that lifting others means that we're brought low, or that by putting others down we lift ourselves up. But, I should not be part of the equation. The way we treat others, how we honor them, is not meant to say anything about us. It's meant to say something about, and do something for, them. Remember, this was the king doing something to honor someone. It was not meant to draw attention to the king. His status as the king was not diminished because he was showing honor to another. Honor puts the focus on someone else and elevates them.

3) Set the royal crown on his head.
This takes honor to a new level. The crown represents authority. Placing the crown on someone's head is acknowledging that the person is equal in status to the king. We might think,

"But this person in my life is certainly NOT in equal standing with a king, in fact, they're really far below it and (the way I see it) they really have a lot to work on. When they get their act together to meet my requirements I'll think about showing them honor."

Some of that may be true. Will it ever not be true? Will there ever be a time when someone doesn't, when we ourselves don't, have something to work on? What example does God give to us?

"When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
and the son of man that you care for him?
Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
and crowned him with glory and honor.
You have given him dominion over the works of your hands;
you have put all things under his feet" Psalm 8:3-6

,Doesn't He look at us through His Son, our King, Jesus? Isn't His righteousness placed on our head so that His status becomes our status? "For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin so that, in him, we might become the righteousness of God." 2 Corinthians 5:21 Do we deserve it? No, it is only by His grace that we are acceptable in the sight of God. And so, we extend grace to others who are as undeserving as we are and place a crown on their heads and lift them up in honor. Not because they deserve it, but because we are followers of Jesus and walk in His footsteps and pattern our behavior after His. We don't honor the undesirable, or sinful, qualities. That's why we begin with the royal robe, we publicly cover the flaws. We present the good and honor it.

4) Lead him through the streets proclaiming his delight to the king.
We are to speak compliments about the person we would honor. We are not only to dress them in the best and most flattering way with the flaws concealed but then we are to share that with others. We are not only to raise them up but are to display them to others as raised up. We are not only to crown them with excellence but are to speak of the excellence to others.

Honor is personal in how we think of and act toward another.
Honor is public in how we speak of present someone to others.

I have a very personal example of this. Many years ago a young family moved to our area and joined our church. I was speaking with the young mother in my home one day and the name of another woman in the church came up and I said something. I don't remember what I said and I don't remember the context of our conversation. But I remember, exactly, the response from the young woman. She said to me, "You two don't like each other very much, do you?" She said it in a very matter-of-fact way as a blunt observation; and, those burning words seared themselves in my mind.

I was convicted for having said something that so blatantly portrayed my (what I thought were hidden) feelings. I was not surprised to also realize that the other woman had made statements of a similar sentiment about me. What a terrible testimony to this young mother!

I made a vow to change my side of our relationship. I promised myself that I would do two things. First, I would pray for her every day. Second, every time her name came up I would say something good about her. In the beginning I had one good thing I would say. I reworded and rephrased it, but I paid her the same public compliment for quite awhile. In my selfishness and high-mindedness I had dwelt way too long and hard on the things I did not like about her and that's all I could see. I wasn't in the habit of seeing the things that were good. But prayer and compliments began to bring about a change in me. I started seeing admirable traits in her. I discovered that she was patient, she was even-tempered, she was thoughtful, kind, humble, steadfast, virtuous, godly, and before long I thought much more of her than of myself and started admiring her! The compliments became heartfelt and real.

I also discovered that my complimentary conversations behind her back were finding their way back to her. One of my daughters shared with me that when she spent time with this woman she found herself sharing, "My mom says how you're...", or, "My mom thinks you're really good at...." Imagine how you would feel (or, hopefully, you know how it feels) to have someone saying good things to others about you behind your back.

Without ever sitting down and addressing a relational problem and trying to hammer out and correct the situation our relationship has turned around. Honor is not about two people working things out or having mutual respect for one another. Honoring someone is something you can do without any cooperation from them. You can show someone honor, conceal their blemishes, lift them up, equate them with excellence, and broadcast their virtues to the world without any cooperation from them. This is something you can commit to the Lord and draw from His strength and example to show just a minute fraction of the grace and honor that he has extended to you.

May God bless you as you draw near to Him and seek to bless the women in your life by honoring them!


(I finished our workshop with a young women's rendition of I Corinthians 13 that I wrote for my lovely ladies at one of our weekends. I think I have written enough here for one day and will plan to share the poem next week.)

The Joys and Heartaches of Loving a Son

Older women are always telling younger women,

"Enjoy these years while your children are young, they go by too fast."

It's true, they do go by very quickly. But it's not merely a passage of time that you passively watch fly past you. You don't get to sit peacefully on the bank of a river sipping coffee while watching the flow of life slide by. You're in the middle of it, you're in the river, floating along dreamily or, more often than you like, crashing into rocks during a stretch of rapids. Sometimes you soak it in and enjoy the ride and sometimes you hang on for dear life not knowing what's around the next bend.

Somewhere in the river of motherhood your children branch off and form rivers of their own, leaving your own turbulent torrent noticeably calmer, slower, and slightly melancholy. This is where those older women are coming from. Their steams have slowed and the water level has dropped. They want you to appreciate the swell of love that comes with the rising tide. The rapids and quick, unexpected turns of your river are signs of life, and life is good. The time will come when that will slow down; but slow, idle waters can grow stagnant and stale. Life and vitality are desirable, even if the unchartered waters are difficult or frightening.

Mine and Shane's mother-son wedding dance tells the story of our journey. But, I've added a photo montage of sorts to it to try to help tell the story with more than just words. As you look into the faces of your own precious little boys, try not to get overwhelmed with the force of the current. Ride it out with them and be strong. Ride with them to the place where you lose a piece of your heart while they turn away to fill theirs.

It's worth it.

Are You Seeking Christ?

I asked a friend this question recently. She wasn't quite sure how to answer it. But she did, and she is.

I like questions. I learn better when I'm asked questions, I teach by asking questions. The most important and impactful events in my life have been preceded by questions. I can specifically remember, word for word, several of them. "What has the Holy Spirit done in your life this year?" "Did you ever think about you and me, maybe, sometime, getting married?" "Has (Gabe) changed your life?"

Questions make you think about what you're doing or thinking and come up with a response. You are forced into interactions with the other person and within your own mind and soul that statements and suggestions don't necessitate. If you find me asking you a question (especially a leading question that promotes deep thought and soul-searching) don't think that I am singling you out with some ulterior motive and grand intention. Asking questions has just become a part of how I communicate, it's not specifically contrived for each encounter (although sometimes it is--now I'm just going to leave you guessing).

But the answer to this question, "Are you seeking Christ?" is an answer you have to give, to yourself. My friend didn't have to tell me her answer. She doesn't owe me an update of her spiritual life, but we were having a conversation that led to me asking the question and we were sharing in a way that made the question relevant rather than invasive. At least, that's how I saw it; and, I hope she did as well. Questions can feel like interrogation, but they usually only feel that way if we sense that the one asking them has ulterior, sinister motives or if they make us consider and defend things about ourselves that we'd rather ignore.

I was in college when I was asked, "What has the Holy Spirit done in your life this year?" I knew there was no sinister plot on the part of the questioner to expose the evidence of my shallow profession. That question hit me square between the eyes because the only truthful answer required me facing my own reality. Knowing that I had a totally fruitless Christian profession and laying out the proof of it in the form of an honest answer were two totally different realities.

We need real. We need to have our eyes opened to who we are to know what we do and why we do it. But that wasn't why I asked my friend this question. I asked her because she was dealing with some hard things in her life and I truly wanted to know if she was seeking the first and best and most important antidote to hardship, sorrow, grief, or despair. I remember the quote, "Tough times call for tough measures." I'm not sure what a tough measure is exactly, but I know that tough times call for seeking Christ.

Not seeking Christ will lead to something called "practical atheism". That is exactly what I was experiencing when I was asked about the Holy Spirit working in my life--a life with no evidence of nearness to Christ. I suppose I could have been asked if I was seeking Christ and it may have produced the same uncomfortable response. Practical atheism is living like there is no God, while not necessarily holding to the theory or belief that there is no God. It's a lifestyle. It's a lifestyle that can get you by if you live a socially moral life and obey laws. But it inevitably leads to a lonely, broken end.

I wasn't asking my friend if she was seeking God because I thought she might be headed toward practical atheism. I really did want to know that she was tapping into the source of life. I want you all to be tapping into the source of life. I know how bland it feels to not be intentionally connected to that life source. And I know how amazing and life changing it is to be connected. Jesus Christ really is a fountain of life-giving water!

My reason for directing you to the idea of practical atheism comes from something I read with Keith this morning that tied so wonderfully into the whole idea of seeking Christ. We were talking, about a week ago, about Christians who turn from Christ and God. We were wondering, how does one go from professing Jesus, the Son of God is King to living like He isn't King to doubting that God exists to denying Him altogether? I considered that the answer was sin. In my own experience and in observing others it appears that either an acceptance of sin or a refusal to call something sin/wrong is the stepping stone to eventually denying the existence of God. If I believe in God and I believe the Bible is His Word then I have to recognize my actions as sinful. How can I get around that? I deny God. I shut my eyes and say I don't see Him. I know, I tried it, in a practical if not theoretical way.

So, how do you keep from going there? No Christian ever plans to go there. We seem to think our Christian life is like a large plateau with a sharp-edged pit that lead to destruction. As long as we stay away from that edge we won't fall. But there's no edge. There's not flat top with steep side, up or down. There are slopes, gradual slopes. There are turns and and twist spirals that go up and down, like walking a undulating path, some incline, some decline. It all feels about the same. We get comfortable at lower and lower depths. We walk from the sun into the shadows and back into the sun. The shadows are caused by clouds or trees or a turn in the bend that lets us know the landscape above us is looming higher than we realized. But, there's still light. It may not be direct but it's obviously daylight. It doesn't have to be direct and we don't have to be up on top of the mountain/hill/plateau. We can get along just fine down along a lower road. We get used to not having the direct sunlight and soon find it too glaring and direct. It makes us uncomfortable. We're not opposed to the light, we know it's there but we like it well-filtered. We become gradually desensitized to the dark and our eyes grow more and more accustomed to it. Then, without warning, we trip on obstacles we can no longer see and we plunge headlong into a darkness that we never intended to embrace.

Somewhere along that path, everywhere along that path, we need to be asking ourselves, "Am I seeking Christ?" Is He back in the light while we're walking away from it? How do we draw near it?

In reading A Portait of God by Daniel Chamberlin, a 21st century summarization of Stephen Charnock's Discourse Upon the Existence and Attributes of God (written in the 1600s) this morning we came across four steps for "every believer in Christ (to) mortify practical atheism".

1) Pray and meditate on God. Stay near Him. "Distance is the first step to disaffection."

2) Prize and study the Scripture. Memorize it and remind yourself of it. I recommend picking one passage/chapter/book that becomes your personal mantra for a season. Read it, reread it, regurgitate it, live it. Let it become part of you. Then move to another.

3) Beware of sensual pleasures. Christians have a reputation of trying to "take the fun out" of everything. That reputation generally comes from those who want the fun for the purpose of self-gratification to an extent of replacing gratification from God. "Nothing is more apt to quench our appetite for God than addiction to worldly pleasures." Sensual pleasures have their place. It's not a high place.

4) Guard against sin. "When you deliberately sin, your soul becomes fertile soil for the growth of a fatal crop of practical atheism." James 1:15 "Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death."

I love the words from Helen Lemmel's hymn

Turn you eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.

Are you seeking Christ?

Marriage and a New Golden Rule

You grew up hearing the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". If you didn't hear those exact words you heard something similar like, "treat people the way you want to be treated", or maybe even, "how would you like it if someone did that to you?" It all came back to the same principle. If you would like it, do it. If you wouldn't like it, don't do it.

Married, for several decades now, I believe I can confidently say that the golden rule doesn't apply in marriage. Or maybe I should say that the golden rule, lived out in an exact "do unto others" manner might, and often can, actually end in some frustration.

Why?

Because marriage isn't like regular relationships, and it shouldn't be. Regular relationships have a certain amount of civility and decorum and etiquette that is required to keep each party feeling respected by the other. The manners that we display emphasize another oft-quoted phrase, "It's the thought that counts". We can tell when someone is being polite and considerate, and the good intentions behind that behavior (maybe even more than the actual behavior) helps to maintain a pleasant relationship.

But, in marriage, we don't simply want civility, good manners, and a pleasant relationship. We want to live united and bound together in oneness and intimacy. We may have initially come together through some of the "do unto others" means along with politeness and good intentions, but that isn't how we want to live out our years together.

What happens over time is that we get to know each other, to REALLY know each other, to the point that merely being polite and considerate doesn't meet our needs in a marriage. It doesn't mean we throw out those things, but we have to go beyond them. And we get to the place of going beyond them by knowing each other and acting on what we learn.

So, what happens when we really get to know each other? We find out that our spouse might not want things the way we want them. If we do unto each other as we want done to us we may not (and probably will not) be doing the best thing for one another. If I were making cookies for my husband and I decided to make for him what I would want someone to make for me he would get a plate of Scottish Shortbread and he wouldn't eat a bite of it. I love it, he doesn't. It took him a long time to stop offering me a Dr. Pepper. Knowing what a treat it was for him he had trouble refraining from sharing that goodness (or in my estimation, vileness) with me.

At some point in your marriage you have to move past the point of treating each other the way you want to be treated and treating them the way THEY want to be treated. I have learned that no matter when I crawl in bed I shouldn't creep in quietly so as not to disturb my husband (as I would prefer if he crawled in after I was asleep). Instead, I wake him up with a hug and a kiss to say good night. Similarly, he follows my rules of what makes clothing "dirty" and throws what he thinks are clean clothes in the hamper even though he feels like he's causing extra work for me. He deems slightly soiled clothes to be a fair price to pay for a lighter load of laundry, I don't.

We both marvel a bit at how something that bothers one of us makes the other happy. It would actually be easier to treat each other how we want to be treated. We wouldn't have to think about how to teat one another because we already know what we like. But the marriage relationship goes deeper in even the small ways that we treat one another. To learn those things about one another takes time and effort, and it takes even more time and effort to remember and act on them. (If you don't know what those things might be, try asking.)

In the end, the golden rule for marriage really should be, "Do unto others as they would have done unto them," or "treat your spouse the way they want to be treated."