Ecclesiates in Action: Turning Troubles into Bubbles

 Deanna, Debbie, Lori, and Robin, I told you I would share this with you three weeks ago. It was delayed but not forgotten.  You may remember that I shared these pictures with you in a text, a collage of photos I made from my years with young children.

So what led me to share them with you?

Following our long weekend together, Keith and I began reading through Ecclesiastes. On Saturday, October 29, we read Ecclesiastes 3, one of secular society's most recognized pieces of the Old Testament, thanks to The Byrds and their song, "Turn, Turn, Turn" quoting, "a time to be born, a time to die" and so on. At the end of all of the "times", the writer asks "What gain has the worker from his toil?"

It is a good question, what gain is there from our toil? We discussed 'toil' and 'work'. Those two words conjure up images of drudgery, difficulty, and dreariness in labor. We also talked about other words the author uses:  'business' and 'busy'. Those words bring to mind visions of expending energy, sometimes to exhaustion.

So what gain is there from our work, toil and busyness? In the midst of some of the dark observations in Ecclesiastes about life on this earth:

    * in the place of justice, there is wickedness,

    * in the place of righteousness, there is wickedness,

    * we are but beasts, and die, returning to the dust,

there are some rays of light.

    * God has made beauty,

    * God has put eternity in our hearts,

    * God seeks what has been driven away.

There is a lot to glean here, but we were focused on what we gain from our toil, and we found:

    * There is nothing better than to be joyful and do good

    * We take pleasure in all of our toil

    * We rejoice in our work

Now, a lot of the questions that appear in Ecclesiastes are answered and hope is restored in the coming of Jesus Christ and the fulfillment of the God's promises through the good news of the gospel. But we can still learn and benefit from this simple idea: 

* Rejoice and take pleasure in all of your work

(It sounds a lot like, "Whatever you do, work heartily, as to Lord and not unto men," from Colossians 3:23.)

We had differing ideas on how to put that into practice. Keith, the "boss" at work, applied it to employees doing their jobs with a good attitude, even when they don't like or agree with a directive. I took it to mean that we should maintain an attitude of joy in all we do, even (and especially) when things go wrong.

We had no idea that we were to be tested that very day. At 10:00 pm, I walked into the laundry room to move my clothes from the washer to the dryer and I found a small puddle of water pooled in the corner of the room. I walked to our bedroom where Keith was studying and mentioned the situation, asking if he would like to check out the washer now or wait until the morning (Sunday morning). He opted for the delay.

I returned to the laundry room and started mopping up the puddle. I began to wonder how much water had actually escaped from my washer and decided I should check to see if it had travelled beyond the laundry room. Thankfully, the adjacent, carpeted room was dry; but, I thought I should also check the basement. The laundry room is situated directly above a basement bathroom and, as I approached the closed bathroom door, I realized we were in trouble. A very large puddle of water extended at least 4 feet beyond the door. I pulled beach towels out of a nearby bin and began to soak up the water. It got worse. I opened the bathroom door and found ceiling tiles, saturated with water, fallen to the floor, water covering the entire bathroom, and a significant amount of water in the adjacent sauna.

I went back to tell Keith what had happened, said it couldn't wait until the morning, and returned to clean up the basement. All the while, I was counting my blessings:

    * Thank you, Lord, that I have the physical ability to do this work, this toil.

    * Thank you, Lord, for sparing the carpet.

    * Thank you, Lord, that this flood contained laundry water and not toilet water.

    * Thank you, Lord, for this jump start on replacing those old ceiling tiles (and for our procrastination in replacing those tile so we didn't destroy the new ones).

    *Thank you, Lord, for getting me down here to FINALLY get this floor mopped (another procrastination).

    * Thank you, Lord, that the only walls that were affected were cedar.

    * And finally, and most importantly, Thank you, Lord, that I have a husband to share this toil with me. You see, we had only been home for a day, immediately following our stay with you four widows, and your conversations about the difficulty of having every responsibility on your shoulders was fresh in my mind.

So, I really was inwardly rejoicing as I cleaned up the mess!

But, the best part of it all was when Keith came downstairs after cleaning up the laundry area and getting a dehumidifier and fan in place. He looked at me and said,

"I'm thankful for you and I'm thankful for Ecclesiastes."

The words of the Lord truly do have the power to turn our troubles into bubbles. Paul was not living the easy life (unless you think prison is easy!) when he said to the Philippians,

"Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say, Rejoice!"

God's Promises--Part 1

I recently started a series on the Promises of God with our women's small group Bible study.  A dear friend of mine is not able to attend; but she would like to follow along with us so I told her I would post our studies here.  I will probably not post all of the information from each session at once (we meet twice a month), but will probably split it up and post weekly.

This series started after a very simple question was asked in our adult Sunday School class last month.  We were asked, "What are some of the promises of God to which you hold fast?"  It was a simple question for which I should have had a ready and simple answer.  But I didn't.  I froze.  I couldn't think of a single promise of God.  I could have given a generic answer and communicated some general promises of God, but I blanked on being able to give Scriptural evidence for the promises that God has given to me.

I experienced a mixture of feelings and emotions--embarrassment, failure, shame, frustration, and ignorance, to name a few.  The good thing is that:
      1) it was humbling (always a good thing), and;
      2) it spurred me on to want to look closely and purposefully at the promises of God. 
I know what I believe and why I believe it.  I can give an answer for the hope that is within me, but I also want to be able to know and name the promises that God has given to me and to understand their purposes in my life.

So, here are the thoughts from our introductory look at God's promises.

First, we discussed what promises in general do for us.  We make promises all the time and people make promises to us.  We don't always use the word "promise", but we do imply a commitment in a number of ways.

* We promise our boss that we will work certain hours and accomplish certain goals.
* Our boss promises to pay us.
* I promise my family that I will do their laundry.
* My husband promises that he will be employed and will care for our financial needs.
* My son promised his sister that he would pick her up after her drama practice.
* My husband and I promised to love each other and remain faithful and united for our entire life.
* We promise to take care of our minor children.
* We promise to meet a friend at a certain time and place for coffee.

These are some common "promises" that represent those that we all give and receive.  What do they do for us?  We realized that, when someone has made a promise, it frees us from anxiety and allows us to be useful or productive in doing what is before us.  If my daughter knows she has a ride home after drama she spends her rehearsal time focused on her role and doesn't spend her energy trying to find a ride, worrying about how she will get home.

Because my husband has promised to care for our financial needs I am not worrying about whether or not a check will bounce, or how I am going to get money for groceries. 

Some promises are conditional.  I promise to do the laundry IF my children put their dirty clothes in the laundry baskets.  The boss promises to pay you IF you fulfill your promise to work certain hours and accomplish certain goals.

Some promises are unconditional.  Our promise to care for our minor children is not conditional on what they do or how much we "like" them.  How we care for them may vary depending on their individual needs, but they have (and will) all receive food, shelter, clothing, health care, and our love.

Promises are comforting and freeing, when they come from a reliable source.  (We did not deal with broken promises because we begin with the premise that God is reliable, trustworthy, and able.  We do not always understand his ways and timing, but we can trust his word.  At a later date we will talk about whether that reliability can be challenged.)

Promises kept cause us to trust the one keeping the promise.  The more consistent and reliable the person is in keeping the promises, the greater our comfort and trust in that person.

So, now consider the promises of God.  They, too, are conditional and unconditional.  The promises that we find in the Bible are also directed to different people.  In other words, not every promise recorded in Scripture is meant for every person.  My daughter's friend at drama practice can not expect to just hop in my son's car and get a ride home after rehearsal.  He might offer a ride, but the promise was made to his sister, not to anyone else.  We have to read God's word carefully to make sure that we're not expecting God to keep a promise that hasn't been made to us.

If my son has promised my daughter a ride home to our house and someone else jumps in and expects the promise to apply to them, they are likely going to also expect the ride to take them to their own house.  However, they have to understand that his promise was not only for a certain person but also to a certain destination.

That brings up another question about the promises of God.  What is the intended outcome of the promise?  God has a very specific intention for His promises.  Just as my son has a specific destination for the ride home (our house), so God has a certain intention and outcome for His promises.  We have to be careful that we're not expecting a ride to our house when His promise is actually a ride to His house.

So, we have three things to look at more closely and consider next time:

Are the promises conditional or unconditional?
Are the promises for us?
What is the intended outcome of the promises?

When Life Gets Out of Control

How do you handle life when things get out of control?  Do you react emotionally? Do you get fearful or angry?  Do you find yourself pulling away from God?

As I was driving Gabe to school this morning my mind stumbled upon an analogy that worked its way into a thought that I think might be of benefit to all of us, but especially as we navigate difficult life circumstances.  We were a couple of minutes behind schedule and I was making up some time by cutting a few corners on our windy road.  As I cruised around one turn I looked ahead and past the next curve to make sure there was no oncoming traffic and then through the trees to make sure that no car was coming down the driveway ahead of me.  I wasn't driving recklessly or screeching tires by any means but I wasn't driving like my 15-year-old either.  I thought about how much longer it would take us if she were driving, still wet behind the ears with her weeks old learner's permit.  She takes it slow and cautious and careful because everything is so new to her.  Because of my experience, I could drive a little faster and knew how to handle my vehicle better.  I thought of how panicked I would be if my inexperienced daughter were driving like I was at the moment and it reminded me of the Jeff Gordon Test Drive Prank video.  If you haven't seen it before, please watch it before you read on.  It's informative and hilarious!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1sL-Ito4sw

The video shows the reaction of a car salesman who is in a vehicle being driven by one whom he assumes is an inexperienced driver.  Of course, the driver is actually Jeff Gordon,a professional race car driver and the salesman is no danger whatsoever.  However, because he perceives that he is in great danger he is paralyzed, fearful, and crazed with worry.  He screams and hollers and begs for the man to stop.  He goes from being fearful to being terrified to being angry.  When the car finally stops, he storms away in fury.  But, once  the identity of the driver is revealed he relaxes, and with a broad grin asks to do it again.  Understanding that he was in the hands of a professional completely changed his view on what had just happened.  The thing that initially terrified him made him smile and want to repeat the experience simply because of his understanding of who was at the wheel.

So, how do we treat God when things get shaken up in our lives?  We're fine if He's taking it easy like someone with a learner's permit.  When he's going where we want him to go and following our directions from the passenger seat we are full of confidence, praise, and adoration.  But how about when things start to get a little crazy?  Well, maybe a little crazy is OK, we can take a few breaths and hang on tight, and then politely ask him to slow down or turn around.  But then things get way out of control and things are not comfortable or going in any kind of direction we understand.  This is when we lose it, we panic and want to take over.  Why is that?  Don't we trust him?  Don't we believe He has more experience than we do?  Do we not believe that He loves us and will never leave us nor foresake us?  Do we trust His plan to be greater than ours?  Do we trust His experience to lead us to a place that might not make sense to us?  And if we say we do, then what should we be doing about it?

What happened to the car salesman?  He became obsessed with stopping that car, with his personal safety.  He stopped being a car salesman and was suddenly just trying to be a survivor, resisting the one controlling the car with everything he had.  I understand that this analogy can only go so far, but the situation and his response to it put him in a position of not being able to do what his employer hired him to do.  He wasn't commenting on the excellent handling of the vehicle, the safety features as the tires gripped the tight turns, or anything at all to do with making a sale.  His resistance and panic left him unable to do his job.

The same thing happens to us when we fail to trust God as our driver.  He has commanded us to believe in Him, have faith in His leading, and to obey Him.  It's hard to seek out how we are to obey God, much less be obedient, when we are consumed with stopping God's plans or taking the wheel.  God really does command us to "trust and obey".  We don't have to try to grab control or worry, we get to take a breath and, with confidence, just keep following God's directions in our lives.  We are called to praise Him, to worship Him, and to love our families and neighbors.  He gave us His Word as our guide.  He wrote it in stone, and wrote it in a book, then he sent it, THE WORD, to us in the flesh of His Son Jesus Christ, and then wrote it on our hearts.  God knows we need His Word.  Spend time reading it, spend time memorizing it, take it in and live it out.

And let God do the driving.

What Did You Expect?

I was fuming.  I didn't say anything but I felt it and I'm sure my actions betrayed it.  I marched out of the house just short of "storming" and put a little too much effort into making sure my driver's side car door was shut tight.

I knew I was wrong. I knew my actions were selfish and unproductive.  I knew that anger was unhealthy and that I had enzyme levels rising that would increase my risk of coronary disease and lower my resistance to infection.  I knew this because I had spent several weeks studying anger.  I wanted to see what the Bible said about anger and then look at what modern medicine and psychology experts said about anger.  They pretty much agree, it's not good for you.  It's not good for your body, mind, or soul.  It's not good for those in the path of the usual outbursts that arise out of the anger.  And it is most certainly not good for any relationships that are tangled up in the mess.

After all of my studying I had come to a couple of conclusion.  First, there is a good side to anger, but only if it leads to a positive action.  I can become angry at seeing someone kick a dog.  But that anger needs to lead to me taking a positive action (preferably rescuing the dog and then preventing a recurrence).  We like to call this "righteous indignation".  My second conclusion was that most anger is not a product of righteous indignation but is rooted in some sort of selfishness, pride, stubbornness, or hard-heartedness.  While, none of those are good things, taking a good hard look at the anger and pinpointing the source of it can help identify the heart of the issue and can lead to internal change.  That can mean good changes that help prevent the anger, or the level of anger, in the future.

Therefore, my overall conclusion was that the only way anger is good is if it a catalyst to some kind of change, outer or inner.

I immediately (well, immediately after I was sure the car door was shut good and tight) started to assess my situation.  What was the root of my anger?  As I reviewed the facts I couldn't help but melt in sheepishness.

Two things had happened.  1) We were invited out to dinner, and 2)  I was driving a separate vehicle.

There it was, the big, bad situation that left me having a mini-temper-tantrum.

Of course, there were extenuating circumstances.  There always are, and they're usually the buttons that get pushed to cause the inner temperature to rise.  The dinner invitation was a general invitation from our pastor to the families in the church.  I was resistant because I had gone a total of 37 days either being away from home, out of the house, or hosting family over the holidays.  I was looking forward to my first quiet night at home in over a month, and then we were cordially invited for the gathering.

I told my husband that I just wanted to stay home.  He was completely sympathetic and encouraged me to feel free to stay put.  Without laying on any guilt trip he added, "But I'm going to go.  I know they're looking forward to having everyone over and I don't want to disappoint them."  His attitude toward our hosts was so gracious and his attitude toward me was so understanding that I I hugged him and said, "I really just want to be with you, so I'll go too."  I was happy as I prepared to head out the door.

Then he dropped my bombshell.  As I put on my coat he said, "Go ahead and take the car.  I'll drive separately."  I asked why and he said, "Because after dinner Owen and I are going to my dad's to watch the game."  Bam, happy to mad in fifteen words.

That was the back drop, the "extenuating circumstances".  As I drove down the road, I sifted all of that out and looked at the bare facts of the matter.  I had an invitation out to dinner and I had the luxury of driving a separate vehicle so I could go if and when I needed to go.  How many times in the past 30+ years have I seriously yearned for one or both of those scenarios?!  Now I had them together and I was ANGRY?  What was wrong with me?

I knew what was wrong.  My expectations were not met.  I expected to spend the evening at home.  Then, I expected to spend the evening with my husband.  A wrench was thrown into my expectations because things weren't going the way I anticipated, even though the things that were happening were good things.  They were GOOD THINGS!

I really thought I learned that lesson when I had Gabe, an unexpected blessing with Down syndrome.  I saw people sidelined with grief over their own unexpected diagnoses of special need children and others filled with joy as they chose to adopt and raise a child with the exact same diagnosis.  I knew that the difference in their attitudes was the expectation.

I got it on the "big life lesson" level, but here I was failing on the "mundane life lesson" level.  It was a great reminder that I need to be more aware of, and open to, altered expectations at any level.  Because, even good things can turn my attitude south when it doesn't meet up with what I expect.

To Whom Shall We Go?

John 6:66-69 "After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him.  So Jesus said to the Twelve, "Do you want to go away as well?"  Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go?  You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know that you are the Holy One of God."

I was struck hard by this passage yesterday during the message at our church's morning worship service.  I struggled to listen to the following text and applications because I kept going back to Peter's answer.  I thought it for myself, "Where else would I go?  I know You, Jesus.  I know that you are true and real and the Holy One of God.  I don't always understand how all that works or applies to everyone in the world or to every person's unique situation but I have heard your 'words of eternal life and have believed and have come to know that you are the Holy One of God'."

I snapped out of my own mental considerations, tabled my thoughts, and picked them up again later in the day.  I thought about how I really knew, and have confidence, that I believe those words.  And I thought about trials.  I thought about some really rough life situations that have made me want to hide from life and roll into a ball.  I thought about the heaving sobs that have wracked my body during bouts of severe emotional pain.  I thought about the utter despair and uselessness I've felt.  And I thought about the small trials that have simply made me frustrated or annoyed or aggravated.  Those trials are largely the means by which my own heart has been convinced that I truly believe.

Why did many of the disciples turn back and no longer walk with him?  I don't know.  I don't really know why anyone does what they do. How can any of us be sure that we won't turn away?  How can we know that we really believe that Jesus has the words of eternal life and we KNOW that he is the Holy One of God?

I'm sure there are many very spiritual and complicated ways to answer that question; but, this morning I experienced a very small thing that gave me another drop of encouragement that my heart believes what my lips profess.  I had a dream, not a prophetic or profound dream, just an ordinary run-of-the-mill kind of dream that certainly won't go down in history.  I dreamed that our house was on fire.  We've had some trouble with a wood stove so the dream was certainly a byproduct of that real life situation.  I dreamed that we had a chimney fire that had spread to the area of the house with our bedroom and the bedrooms of two of our children.  I was startled awake (as is typical during a nightmarish type dream) and I could smell smoke.  In my half awake half asleep state, as I jumped out of bed to start evacuating children, two thoughts ran very quickly through my mind.  The first was very practical, "Why aren't the smoke alarms sounding?"  The second was, for me, very spiritual, "Here goes our house, but thank you Lord for the wonderful few months I got to live in it."

It turns out it really was just a dream.  I only smelled the wood smoke that lingered on my husband from work he'd done on the stove.  Our house was not in jeopardy.  But that one thought during that brief moment when I believed it was, helped settle my soul as I saw my own heart prove to me that my "treasure" was not in my home.  I've had some much greater trials than that one bad dream, trials that have helped me know that my treasure was not in my comfortable western lifestyle, or in my husband, or in my children, or my health.  Trials, big and small, can see us walking away from Jesus.  They can also draw us to Him as we cling to the words of eternal life, knowing that He is Holy One of God.

The Mother's Love Poem

I shared this poem with the women at the retreat I attended earlier this month. I am sharing it here in conjunction with last week's post, but also as a reminder to all of us on how to love one another.

This rewritten and completely paraphrased version of 1 Corinthian 13 is not meant to replace Scripture. Rather:
It was meant to focus on the things that we mothers tend to get wrapped up in.
It was meant to remind us of the importance of relationships .
It was meant to help us put things in perspective as we care for our homes and families and one another.
It was meant to keep us from hurting one another as we establish our families and habits.
It was meant to help us love one another.

The Mother's Love Poem

"If I raise my children
To always obey,
But have not love,
I am a noisy gong
Or a clanging cymbal.

And if I have great
Cooking skills,
And make all
My meals from scratch,
And can my garden produce
So as to deliver
Homemade goods as gifts
But have not love,
I am nothing

If I keep a spotless house
And bathe my children daily
But have not love,
I gain nothing.

'Love is patient and kind,
Love does not envy or boast,
It is not arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on its own way;
It is not irritable or resentful;"

It does not rejoice at
Tearing down others
But at singing their praises.
Love tolerates others,
Speaks well of others,
Encourages others,
And serves others.

Love never ends.

As for fresh baked bread,
It will eventually mold;
As for dressing in style,
Styles will pass away;
As for a cute haircut,
It will grow out;
As for painted nails,
They will chip.

For we give of ourselves
In part,
And we raise up others
In part,
But when the perfect comes,
We will do things in full.

When I was a gossip, I spoke like a gossip, I thought ill of others, I admired myself.
When I became a child of God I gave up my selfish ways.
For now we spend too much time looking in mirrors,
But then we will look into the faces of others.
Now I speak my mind, then I shall hold my tongue
And speak as I wish to be spoken of.

So now husbands, children, and sisters abide,

But the Greatest of All is Christ.

Family Relationships--How to not be on the outs with your in-laws (or A Charge to Honor)

I recently had the opportunity to conduct a workshop with this title at a women's retreat at Lake Ellen Camp in Michigan's Upper Peninsula. Judy Peterson (wife of camp director Ralph Peterson) asked me to speak on this topic after I had shared with her some of the dynamics of the relationships in my life with 5 (now 6) married children and the weekend getaways I've had with my "lovely ladies" (my daughters and daughters-in-law). A number of women asked if I would share my notes and I offered to post them here. So, women of the Lake Ellen Camp Women's Retreat 2015, this is for you!

FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

When it comes to family relationships, and especially the relationships between the women in our families, we want it to look like this.

We want harmony and symmetry. We want happiness and cooperation. We want to not only look like we get along, but really feel like it.

Far too often, we look and feel like this.

Our relationships too often publicly display dislike, distrust, and contempt. If not outwardly, then very likely inwardly those feelings are simmering along with fear, isolation, suspicion, indifference, judgment, and anger. I've seen it among families, in churches, and between women in many circles and I wanted to do what I could to prevent it from happening in me, in my church, and in my family.

Eight years ago my family looked like this.

The youngest of our eleven children was not quite a year old and our first daughter-in-law joined our family. I had been mentally preparing for this time for almost a decade. I remember, about 20 years ago, considering my own in-laws with their family of six and thinking of how they never had time alone with their children, their immediate family. We daughters-and-son-in-law were always there. We were with them on holidays and at family reunions, in their home when fans gathered to watch a basketball game, or at the park on a picnic. I began to realize that my days with my precious family as I knew it were numbered.

I have a wonderful relationship with my mother-and-father-in-law, but there's something about the family nucleus, the parent and child, that is special and I knew it would some day be forever changed. I just wanted it to be changed in a good way. Sure, I could love my new daughter-in-law and welcome her and make her feel at home. And then I could do the same for the next and the next. But what about them? Would they criticize the differences they saw in our family? Would they support our relationships or tear them down? Would our married children be encouraged to love their parents or would they be driven away from us? Would my own sons and daughters have gracious loving hearts that fostered a welcoming environment to the increasing number of newcomers to the family? Would it become "us against them"? Would there be factions and pairing off? How could I prevent it? I wanted to fix something that wasn't even broken!

It didn't take long to see the outward changes that came with the advancing of years. Just seven years after that first wedding our family looked like this.

(Side note--if you're a detail oriented person and you're seeing that the people in the two family photographs don't seem to match up, you may be relieved to know that this recent photo includes our Norwegian AFS student.)

There are six new adults and almost a dozen grandchildren children in the picture and the dynamics have most certainly changed. I can't control everything (and, believe me, I'd like to!). I can't control the attitudes. I can't make people love each other. I can't stop the hurts and the difficulties. But I can have an influence and I can foster a loving environment. I make mistakes and am sorry to admit that I have been the source of problems at times. But, using the examples and directions given to us by God in His word we can all have a positive effect on our family relationships.

One of the things I have done is to plan several "White Women's Weekends" with my girls (this isn't racist, we all either have--or in the case of my married daughters, had--the last name White). We stay in a house together (no kids or spouses). We drink coffee, do foot soaks, build fires in the fireplace, cook together, go out to eat, go for walks, take silly pictures, and I plan a study around a Biblical topic that will help foster Christlike attitudes between us. During our first weekend we all filled out one note card for each person that highlighted a fruit of the spirit that we thought was best displayed in them and why. Those cards are still in my wallet.

I have loved connecting with my ladies in this personal way, but our schedules don't all collide very often and we have a lot of months between girl gatherings for problems to seep in. Problems are part of the human experience, solutions should be part of the Christian experience. In our workshop we considered the common causes of relationship problems and ways to prevent them.

PREVENTING PROBLEMS

CAUSES..............................POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS
Expectations...........................Keep an open mind
Criticism................................Seek to understand
Not listening...........................Listen!
Pulling away...........................Reaching out
Gossiping...............................Hold your tongue
LACK OF LOVE......................Love
LACK OF HONOR..................Honor

We talked about each one with some examples but I think they are fairly self-explanatory. The last two are in capital letters because they are really the two that are the heart of who we are and how we relate to others. We had a limited amount of time for our workshop and so I chose to focus on Honor. Love is a familiar subject and most of us understand that love is an action, that we show love by our service to others. When we put the needs of someone else before our own we are showing love. Love is about how we treat another person. But, we don't often talk about what honor looks like. I think our lack of honor is our greatest stumbling block to successful relationships between women. Honor isn't so much about how we treat the other person, but has much to do with the way that we present them to others.

The most helpful Biblical passage that I have found on honor is in Esther 6 where the king asks Haman what he should do to show honor to someone.

So Haman came in, and the king said to him, “What should be done to the man whom the king delights to honor?” And Haman said to himself, “Whom would the king delight to honor more than me?” And Haman said to the king, “For the man whom the king delights to honor, let royal robes be brought, which the king has worn, and the horse that the king has ridden, and on whose head a royal crown is set. And let the robes and the horse be handed over to one of the king's most noble officials. Let them dress the man whom the king delights to honor, and let them lead him on the horse through the square of the city, proclaiming before him: ‘Thus shall it be done to the man whom the king delights to honor.’” Esther 6:6-9 ESV

We can see here what honor "looks like".

Four things were suggested:
1) Bring the royal robes.
If we're going out in public or we're having our picture taken we want to look our best. We want to put on clothing that flatters us. We want it to hide the blemishes, cover the bulges, and accentuate our positive features. In the same way, honoring someone is presenting them at their best. We are to figuratively clothe them in the most flattering attire and present them to others as we would want to be presented. Our attitude toward them and our conversation about them will highlight their good qualities and conceal their less attractive features.

2) Put him on the king's horse.
The king's horse was undoubtedly the biggest, most majestic horse in the stables. Whoever sat on that horse was lifted up higher than anyone else. We are to raise others up so that they're lifted high. Lifting someone else up does just that, it lifts them up. Somehow, we think that lifting others means that we're brought low, or that by putting others down we lift ourselves up. But, I should not be part of the equation. The way we treat others, how we honor them, is not meant to say anything about us. It's meant to say something about, and do something for, them. Remember, this was the king doing something to honor someone. It was not meant to draw attention to the king. His status as the king was not diminished because he was showing honor to another. Honor puts the focus on someone else and elevates them.

3) Set the royal crown on his head.
This takes honor to a new level. The crown represents authority. Placing the crown on someone's head is acknowledging that the person is equal in status to the king. We might think,

"But this person in my life is certainly NOT in equal standing with a king, in fact, they're really far below it and (the way I see it) they really have a lot to work on. When they get their act together to meet my requirements I'll think about showing them honor."

Some of that may be true. Will it ever not be true? Will there ever be a time when someone doesn't, when we ourselves don't, have something to work on? What example does God give to us?

"When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
and the son of man that you care for him?
Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
and crowned him with glory and honor.
You have given him dominion over the works of your hands;
you have put all things under his feet" Psalm 8:3-6

,Doesn't He look at us through His Son, our King, Jesus? Isn't His righteousness placed on our head so that His status becomes our status? "For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin so that, in him, we might become the righteousness of God." 2 Corinthians 5:21 Do we deserve it? No, it is only by His grace that we are acceptable in the sight of God. And so, we extend grace to others who are as undeserving as we are and place a crown on their heads and lift them up in honor. Not because they deserve it, but because we are followers of Jesus and walk in His footsteps and pattern our behavior after His. We don't honor the undesirable, or sinful, qualities. That's why we begin with the royal robe, we publicly cover the flaws. We present the good and honor it.

4) Lead him through the streets proclaiming his delight to the king.
We are to speak compliments about the person we would honor. We are not only to dress them in the best and most flattering way with the flaws concealed but then we are to share that with others. We are not only to raise them up but are to display them to others as raised up. We are not only to crown them with excellence but are to speak of the excellence to others.

Honor is personal in how we think of and act toward another.
Honor is public in how we speak of present someone to others.

I have a very personal example of this. Many years ago a young family moved to our area and joined our church. I was speaking with the young mother in my home one day and the name of another woman in the church came up and I said something. I don't remember what I said and I don't remember the context of our conversation. But I remember, exactly, the response from the young woman. She said to me, "You two don't like each other very much, do you?" She said it in a very matter-of-fact way as a blunt observation; and, those burning words seared themselves in my mind.

I was convicted for having said something that so blatantly portrayed my (what I thought were hidden) feelings. I was not surprised to also realize that the other woman had made statements of a similar sentiment about me. What a terrible testimony to this young mother!

I made a vow to change my side of our relationship. I promised myself that I would do two things. First, I would pray for her every day. Second, every time her name came up I would say something good about her. In the beginning I had one good thing I would say. I reworded and rephrased it, but I paid her the same public compliment for quite awhile. In my selfishness and high-mindedness I had dwelt way too long and hard on the things I did not like about her and that's all I could see. I wasn't in the habit of seeing the things that were good. But prayer and compliments began to bring about a change in me. I started seeing admirable traits in her. I discovered that she was patient, she was even-tempered, she was thoughtful, kind, humble, steadfast, virtuous, godly, and before long I thought much more of her than of myself and started admiring her! The compliments became heartfelt and real.

I also discovered that my complimentary conversations behind her back were finding their way back to her. One of my daughters shared with me that when she spent time with this woman she found herself sharing, "My mom says how you're...", or, "My mom thinks you're really good at...." Imagine how you would feel (or, hopefully, you know how it feels) to have someone saying good things to others about you behind your back.

Without ever sitting down and addressing a relational problem and trying to hammer out and correct the situation our relationship has turned around. Honor is not about two people working things out or having mutual respect for one another. Honoring someone is something you can do without any cooperation from them. You can show someone honor, conceal their blemishes, lift them up, equate them with excellence, and broadcast their virtues to the world without any cooperation from them. This is something you can commit to the Lord and draw from His strength and example to show just a minute fraction of the grace and honor that he has extended to you.

May God bless you as you draw near to Him and seek to bless the women in your life by honoring them!


(I finished our workshop with a young women's rendition of I Corinthians 13 that I wrote for my lovely ladies at one of our weekends. I think I have written enough here for one day and will plan to share the poem next week.)